How Lu Bu died
by l0v3l1k3w1nt3r
Summary: Lu Bu. A legendary warrior who died at Xia Pi. But how did he die, exactly? This story tells all... my first shot at fanfiction, be nice oneshot


Author's note: A failed attempt on humour. Shame on me... Oh well, it was fun, so START READING, YA HOBO! (Hmm, but how would a hobo pick up a computer? Hmm...maybe it's a laptop! Yeah! Wait... am I writing this? Oops, my bad...)

How Lu Bu really died

Lu Bu stood on top of Xia Pi's walls, fighting off the soldiers who were trying to knock him off. "Die scum! I am the greatest warrior ever! If any of you are trying to kill me, you're all a bunch of idiots! Muahahahahahaha!" Lu Bu cried, and with a single swing of his halberd, a dozen soldiers went flying. Meanwhile, Liu Bei and Cao Cao were on horseback below. "Psst, do you think Lu Bu is taking steroids?" whispered Liu Bei to Cao Cao. "Dunno, possible." answered Cao Cao, stroking his 'beard'. "But hey, it is amusing to watch our men fly off the wall. Lookie! One's flapping his arms like a birdie! Oooh, I wish I was him!" Cao Cao cooed. Liu Bei raised a brow.

Somewhere else, Diao Chan was with Yuan Shu's reinforcements. "Oh no! We're too late!" she cried, seeing Lu Bu in trouble. "Don't worry, he's fine!" Yuan Shu reassured, not noticing that the enemy had surrounded his ally and started to beat him up. "Yes, just fine..." he continued.

Liu Bei and Cao Cao took Lu Bu into Xia Pi fortress, tying him up to a wooden chair. But the frail chair collapsed under Lu Bu's weight (Lu Bu began eating very heavily, knowing he was all powerful), so Liu Bei's men fetched another chair. This happened three times, until Cao Cao decided to leave Lu Bu on the floor for the furniture's sake. Lu Bu suddenly started to throw curses at Liu Bei and Cao Cao, calling them 'fat and stupid'. "Tch, says him after breaking four chairswith his huge ass." murmered Cao Cao, making the guards laugh. But Liu Bei silenced them with a stern look. Lu Bu kept shouting insults untill he realised that no one was paying attention to him. "Hey! I'm talking here!" he cried. Cao Cao, who was talking to Liu Bei, turned to the bound warrior. "Yeah yeah, we heard you. Hey, care for a drink?" asked Cao Cao courteously. "Anything but Orange juice. The carton keeps telling me to 'concentrate." answered Lu Bu. Liu Bei and Cao Cao exchanged weird looks.

Cao Cao then ordered a servant to give Lu Bu a goblet of wine. The frightened servant set the goblet next to the warrior, then ran away in a girlish fashion. There was an awkward silence in the room after servant's actions. "Do you think that was one of Zhang He's 'maids'?" Liu Bei asked. Cao Cao didn't reply. It seemed like he had something interesting in his mind, for there was a big smirk on his face...

"Well, Lu Bu, why don't you try the wine?"Cao Caoasked Lu Bu. Lu Bu looked at him suspiciously. "Is it poisoned?" he asked. "Why would I try to poison a warrior I captured? It's not honorable to just quickly kill my prisoners." answered Cao Cao. Lu Bu thought for a moment at Cao Cao's 'big' words, then attempted to drink his wine. He bent down and tried to drink it like a dog does, but he just ended up splashing some drops on the floor. He moved nearer to the goblet and bit the rim with his front teeth. Then he used his teeth to lift the goblet and, you can probably guess what happened.

SPLASH! drip, drip, drip. Wine was drenched all over Lu Bu's armor and the ropes that were tightly binding him. Everyone else (including Liu Bei) burst out laughing. "Hey, that's not funny!" said Lu Bu, embarassed. "Heh... works EVERY time." said Cao Cao, wiping tears. "Yeah... OK, back to business!" said Liu Bei, calming everyone down.

" First off, there are rumours going about that Dong Zhuo is dead. How?" Liu Bei asked. Lu Bu laughed evily. "Ha! Do you think I'd really tell you!" he shot.

"Please?"

"OK... I killed him."

"WHAT! WHY!" asked both Liu Bei and Cao Cao in shock. "I dunno.. Diao Chan told me too. She said that ungrateful pig was hitting on her!" answered Lu Bu. "So...you killed your adopted father because he was flirting with a woman?" asked Cao Cao. "Yeah, MY woman! And don't think about touching her, ya piece of shit!" Lu Bu hollered. "I won't." answered Cao Cao, his fingers crossed behind his back .

"Uhh... right, moving on. How are you acquainted with Yuan Shu? We thought you hated the Yuan family." asked Liu Bei. "I know. But I needed help, so I sent my daughter to him, and he seemed eager to go. Come to think of it, that bitch didn't send her back..." answered Lu Bu, thinking of his precious daughter. Cao Cao couldn't help but grin.

Liu Bei then cleared his throat and nudged Cao Cao hard in the ribs. "OWWW! I get it, next question! Uh... let's see... umm... wh-what color underwear are you wearing?" Cao Cao asked. The guards behind him burst out laughing once again, rolling on the floor and holding their stomaches of laughter. "Huh? What kinda question is that?" Liu Bei asked, raising an eyebrow. "What? I couldn't think of anything else!" Cao Cao defended. "So you come up with underwear?" Liu Bei shot back. "Well... d-don't you know that trick when if you get nervous, you should start imagining people in their underwear? I uh, kinda mixed that up with my question." answered Cao Cao, scratching his head. "Eww, first off, that doesn't really work. It freaks you out even more. And secondly, who'd want to see people in their underwear?" Liu Bei asked. Cao Cao looked at him and blinked. Liu Bei, getting the point, shivered in disgust and back away.

Lu Bu then cleared his throat. "Sorry if I interrupted you homosexuals, but don't you have an interrogation to carry out?" he asked. "Y-yes, let's continue... and from now on, I ask the questions." said Liu Bei. "Ah, amen to that!" Lu Bu agreed.

"Now let's see...where... where'd you get your army?" Liu Bei asked, folding his arms. "Huh, interesting. They just joined when they heard I slaughtered Dong Zhuo. It seemed like they were scared or something." answered Lu Bu. "What! YOUR officers knew you killed Dong Zhuo and we didn't! Man, our spies SUCK!" Cao Cao complained. Liu Bei smacked his forehead with his hand.

"This is tiring... look, let me join you Cao Cao. Ditch Liu Bei! Together, we'll take over China, and no one will stop us!" Lu Bu persuaded. "Tch, you sounded like you were seducing a young maiden when you were talking to Cao Cao. And, didn't you kill Dong Zhuo? What if you betray Cao Cao as well?" Liu Bei pointed out. "Hey, that's right! I'm not falling for your tricks, Lu Bu, I'm not dumb!" said Cao Cao. "Does 'What color underwear are you wearing' ring a bell?" asked Liu Bei. "Shut up hobo!" Cao Cao shot back. "Yeah, ya piece of crap! Fricken' prostitute!" Lu Bu yelled, and continued to shoot rude curses at Liu Bei.

Cao Cao rolled his eyes, then looked at Liu Bei while drawing his sword. "Ready?" he asked. Liu Bei drew his sword Golden Dragon. "Let's take out the trash." he replied. Cao Cao raised an eyebrow at Liu Bei's crappy remark, but shrugged it off. The two men then pierced Lu Bu with their sharp, cold swords. And thus, the mightiest but not the brightest warrior was no more.

A few years after Lu Bu's death, Cao Cao and Liu Bei became rivals, constantly bickering for the war-torn China. Meanwhile, Sun Jian is busy taking over his homeland, constantly watching his other competition try to kill each other. He just watches at the sidelines, laughing his ass of 'cuz he thinks he'll be the true ruler of China. Then he ironically gets killed by Huang Zu. Figures...

Another boring Author's note: YES, I know it was stupid, and so am I for writing this piece of insanity in the first place! But then again, this IS my first fanfic, so be nice and review, PLEASE! Also to Lu Bu fans, I mean no offense to the great warrior. Believe me, I'm a Lu Bu fan myself, and please understand that 1)I needed an idea and 2)I had been drinking root beer while I was writing this (I'm too young to drink real beer, I'm fricken 13!). Doo dum... waiting for next idea for next fanfic... :)


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